Elevator Buttons - A Betrayal of Faith
The “Close Door” buttons on all U.S. elevators don't actually do anything at all, and haven't for decades.
Columns 2015 - 2016
Sloths; Faster than the U.S. Post Office
A mail truck arriving at my house 10 days from now will have averaged .009 miles per hour.
A Web Site For Those with Time to Kill
Looking up your own name in an online newspaper archive can be quite reavealing.
GOT - A Cure for Too Much Spare Time
Game of Thrones turned out to be graphic, gritty and brutal – right up my alley.
A Dark Night at the Jones County Fair
I always assumed I'd never be the idiot who drops his cell phone into a porta-potty.
An Exercise in Imperatives
My assignment was to write 500 words using mainly imperatives (commands); I hope you're feeling receptive.
Watch Your Step in Ireland
At the Cliffs of Moher (700 feet high), there are some warning signs but no real impediments to toppling off the edge.
First World Problems are Ruining My Life
Fireball whiskey contains "excessive" amounts of Ethylene Glycol. I've been told not to worry.
I Own a 20-Pound Pillow
I’m not a hypochondriac; I’m just abnormally anxious about my health.
Something to Think About in the Men's Room
The average mammal takes approximately 21 seconds to void its bladder.
We Almost Saw the Aurora Borealis
Final accounting in Churchill, Canada: One bucket list item out of two. It will have to do.
My Rose Bowl Trip to Pasadena
I can’t bore you with my photos in person, but I’ll bet I can do it with just the descriptions.
A Pretty Good Month for Iowa Football
We drove for six hours to a $500 per night hotel (!) so we could attend a long-awaited Big 10 Championship football game.
Scammed by Asphalt Gypsies
By now, most of us understand that no Nigerian prince actually needs our help moving millions of dollars to an American bank.
Beer Bands; Your Guide to the Recent Excitement
Once the band enters a bar, God only knows where the cups of beer are ending up.
I'm Getting Old Before My Time
I find it distressing that I'll now be able to file for Social Security if I so choose.
Fatally Effecting Social Change
“We need to die,” I told a friend recently in response to his query.
Most Bicyclists are Not Jerks
I try to look at things from the other guy’s point of view, so let’s magically convert Dave the Driver into Dave the Cyclist.
Music By The Numbers
Jazz accounts for just 1.4% of the total music consumption in the U.S. It’s in a dead tie with Classical; another genre on life support.
Advice for the Easily Offended
I live in a community where someone can be relied on to object to almost any statement no matter how innocuous.
Tipping Tips at the Breastaurant
It certainly didn’t hurt that our female server had what I tend to call (in mixed company) “pleasant features.”
Attempting to Avoid a Frivolous Life
I often fret about significant worldwide humanitarian issues that I fully intend to do almost nothing about.
Cuba: Go While the Going is Good
One of our tour guides said he wept when he heard the news of the U.S. negotiating to lift the embargo